Z. told her story in fragments. It began with our first session in my studio, where she came for what seemed to be an ordinary fashion shoot. Over the course of many subsequent sessions, more and more details began to emerge.
Why did you get involved with a man twice your age?
He gave me a lift to a car meet. You know, my beloved PT Cruisers. That’s how we met.
At the beginning, when we first got to know each other, he helped me a lot. I was lost. He pulled me back together.
We got married when he was already ill.
Did you love him?
I was happy. Definitely at the beginning.
He was a bit like a small child. I gave him comfort. Something almost maternal. He needed it very much.
Not long after we met, he became ill.
Why get married three months before his death?
The worst part was the physical changes near the end of the illness. Later, he was unconscious more and more often.
I buried him the way he wanted.
Maybe that was what the wedding was really for — so I could do it the way he wanted.
We used to drive PT Cruisers together. Mine is light-colored, and his was dark.
Do you miss him?
I keep this caregiver’s certificate and I feel his presence.
M. and I rented an apartment. Not far from here. That’s where I took care of him when he became ill.
Our parents didn’t understand us. Neither mine nor his.
We had no support.
I wanted to have a family, children.
You know, in a way, he kind of deceived me.
I did everything I could to save him. We searched for every possible way.
PT broke down. Something with the gas system. I don’t know if I’ll have enough money to fix it.
Why are you telling me this?
He was a photographer. I posed for him.
You know, now I want to take pictures myself. Maybe you could teach me something.
When can we schedule another session?
I have a nurse’s uniform. Would that work?
Now I like the UFO more than Pituś. It’s a Honda model. Maybe I’ll buy one when I save up enough money. But maybe not.
Still, PT is my love.
When he was still lying at home, he asked me why I didn’t become a medical caregiver.
That was three months before his death.
When I started the caregiver course, M. was already in hospice, unconscious.
Sometimes I feel him with me. Very clearly.
Before he died, he promised me he wouldn’t leave me.
A year after M.’s death, my own health collapsed. The emotions I had pushed away came out sideways.
After it was all over, I went to work in a hospice.
Not the one where he died. I wouldn’t have been able to handle that.
Sometimes I think I’ve had enough of mourning. I want to meet someone.
I’ll finish my studies and see what comes next.
I try to support those who are struggling with glioblastoma.
Come on, let’s go to McDonald’s. We’ll celebrate me getting my certificate.
Drive-through is fine.
The project was created as part of the Sputnik Photos Mentoring Programme.